Not yet

 Leila wrote this last Frida, Jan. 27, but forgot to post:

Hello friends and family-

Thanks for your comments here, text messages, voice mail messages and calls. 

Today, I have something significant to share - I am now free to floss my teeth again. When one's platelets are low blood doesn't clot so well. So in addition to avoiding infection at all costs, I have had to be extra careful about any little nick or cut, else I might bleed out. I figure if women have babies, this woman can go a few weeks without flossing, without trimming nails, and without blowing my nose. Now, that my platelets are at normal range here's my summary of these abstentions. I'm picking up the floss and it will never leave my side. Ever again. Not even for just one night will I let that ritual get disturbed. On the nails, I've asked Kristin to help me with all 20. 

Platelet counts chart Jan 3-22

Seems that the big doses of steroids have caused cataracts to begin forming and my eyesight is just "off" enough to not be able to see well enough to give me the comfort of opening and closing sharp cutting instruments near my digits. 

We had a good visit today with nurse practitioner Hannah Baker and Dr. Emmons. I realized I was coming in with a puzzle. I know I need to eat, but I haven't been interested or able to do much more than substantial liquids for about a week. Yadaya, I know. I am nauseated a lot. I am exhausted pretty much all the time. My head hurts so bad it feels like the side of my skull is going to blow off and through a wall. I can't take acetaminophen because it might mask a fever coming up with a new infection. Which I could die from if not addressed early.

Mm, hmm, you see where this is going. My medications are causing side effects that feel worse than the original ailment, what was it anyway?? So, anti-nausea meds are giving me blasted headaches. In the end, I now have permission to take the occasional Tylenol, as long as I've been monitoring my temperature. There's more to it, but frankly I'm bored with it. And, I'm tired of being tired, I'm sick of being sick.

It's as if I have squandered another month of living. I want to want to write and paint. I want to want to prepare my own food carefully following time-tested recipes and making things up as I go. I want to want to see what colors I need to blend to get that elusive shade of green. I want to want to visit with friends, listen to good music, watch good movies, have a night on the town. Maybe I just want to give a shit about something, anything. Yes, that sounds like depression, which has been managed quite well with medication for many years. And, yes, anxiety and depression are completely normal for those dealing with such life upheavals.

What I really love right now is funny people, funny words, dry humor, wet humor (throwing that in because I have no idea what it even means. They say people tend to hold back talking about their own life challenges to people with cancer. I say, screw that. I still want to be able to laugh with you as you whine about whatever is going your life See, I have a big ugly that everyone gives me a pass on. Maybe I have played my last cancer card. 

Wait, let me get my handicapped parking tag first....