In first person

Leila here:

Don't get too excited.  This shot was taken on Wednesday and it's now Saturday evening.  I'm fondly remembering that time and trying to duplicate it in my hospital room.

We thought it might be nice for you all to hear from me directly today.  The only problem is that I'm not sure what to write.

It hasn't been a great day, but far from horrible! I bit my lip while eating lunch which ticked me off, since it's the very mouth tissue I worked so hard to keep icy-cold on Tuesday so it wouldn't get such a negative impact from the chemo. Here's hoping for a quick heal overnight.

The queasies have crept in, but nothing the anti-nausea med isn't taking care of. I exceeded my walking goal today, with Kristin's encouragement.  They have so much stuff sitting in the hallways its hard to walk and find a steady gait - I'm always having to dodge a bed, a computer cart, other people, chairs, tables, etc.

During rounds I remembered to ask "How much sleep is too much?" and was happy to hear that the 12 hours I slept last night was okay. I am understanding that lying down, staying in bed is not the best for me. My personal goal is to be up and at least in a chair or sitting on the side of the bed when I'm not sleeping. Fortunately the room is big enough for a decent chair, a loveseat, and the usual hospital stuff.  

It is nearly impossible for me to stay engaged with the real world.  I'm confined to this unit of 16 beds, this is my home for a couple of weeks. It just is what it is. With this kind of medical intervention its difficult for me to have interest in anything out there.  My days are filled with routine minutia. Today we played cards and a dice game. Tried to read but can't focus or think.  Foggy brain is back.  Poor Kristin had to witness the trouble I had just selecting my meals for tomorrow. Seriously, it's not so easy when you're not sure what's going to turn your stomach. So I just have to guess, and sorry to say, tonight's dinner was a bad guess. The first thing that hit me was the 4:15pm delivery. Dang that's early. Whatever I eat at that time is supposed to last me for 15 hours. Seems a little crazy to me.

I couldn't eat anything I ordered but I was able to have easier fare sent up about 6:30pm, a more reasonable meal time for me - broth, pudding, and cereal. I added extra protein (gelatin) to the broth because I figured that's it until breakfast.  There is some stuff I've been saving in the fridge that I can snack on if I get hungry later, but my appetite is starting to wane.  Even ice cream isn't interesting right now.

I'm not depressed, just tired.  Sometimes I just need a whine a bit.  It helps things pass like gas.  And this is just the beginning.  The anticipation of what is yet to come is wearing on me a bit.  

Kristin here:

The waves of emotion continue to flow. They vary from day to day. They come.  I acknowledge them, give them a bit of attention, then let them go. Holding on to them is where I get into trouble. It's a lot like my tai chi practice.  Letting go is an essential part of the practice in order for the energy to flow.  Listen, attend, notice, but don't hold on. Allow things to open up and change. I'm learning to let go and live in the present moment because that is all I've got.

Letting go of expectations.  Letting go of plans for the future.  Letting go of worry.

When I live in the moment life is much easier.  Of course, it's gotten a heck of a lot easier since I was able to quit work. Thank goodness for government subsidized health care.  It has allowed me time to let go of the hustle bustle of life and settle into a different pace.  A calmer, more subdued pace.  That is what this time in my life requires.  

In looking back over the past nine months it's amazing how much my life has changed.  Yet the most important things remain the same. My focus is clearer.  My connection with the Great Creator is stronger.  My heart calm.  My soul at peace.  My love deeper.

Grateful for the many millions of moments we've been able to share these past few months.  And happy to report we're not sick of each other yet.  Not even a little bit.